h2g2 Galactic Edition

The following drivel is intended for entertainment purposes ONLY.
The management strongly advise all readers to ignore any door-to-door solicitations on this subject.
You have been warned.

 h2g2: The Galactic Edition, or, What to Do When We're Totally Harmless

A lot of people have been thinking about heaven in the last few weeks. The first group were thinking about how they'd go there. The second group worried that they wouldn't. The third group had decided that if the first group were going, they'd rather not, since the first group were spoilsports and it wouldn't be any fun if they were there, anyway. They probably thought the first group were like Groucho Marx, and shouldn't want to belong to any club that would have them as members.

Be that as it may, I was, as usual, thinking about something completely different. I was wondering for the umpteenth time what heaven would be like.
Now, I figure that if the church folks get their kind of heaven, the rest of us – by which I mean those of us who don't groove on Christian Rock, or don't think Gay Pride is a bad thing – should get one we can enjoy. I believe this will be the case. I also believe that it will be a world in which the evil that is in this one simply can't happen. I think it's a world with the safeties on. Of course, there's the rub: since most of what everybody wants to do annoys their neighbours – after all, that's why they do it – a lot of people will be frustrated in heaven.


You want to tell a nasty joke, just because it's ethnic and offends someone? Well, you can't. No telling it, and then saying, 'It's just a joke.' Nope. The words will not come out of your mouth. You want to corner the market in Whatsits, and be as rich as Donald Trump? Ain't gonna happen, you wannabe scam artist. Want to dump that trash in your neighbour's yard? Nope. It will land back in your wheelie bin. See? Eventually, I figure people will get over the boredom of not being able to do as they please, and find some more constructive pastimes. Such as bilingual Scrabble or growing naughty vegetables. The people who pretend to be offended by naughty vegetables will all be over in the other place, anyhow.

Which brings me to the real question: What about h2g2? I realise that many h2g2ers have not been planning for the Genuine Galactic Edition (because when somebody mentions heaven, they say 'pish, tosh, no such thing'). So I thought I'd help us out by putting the little grey cells to work. Here's what I came up with for when we have to go from Mostly Harmless to Totally Harmless:

Since the angels will control all the media – and anybody who reads my drivel knows that I think angels are wonderful practical jokers with a (you will pardon the expression) wicked sense of humour – I figure h2g2 will be the most important media outlet in the universe. You see, they'll be phoning it in from wherever they happen to be, just like we do.

There are lots of planets out there, to suit every taste and inclination (except the inclination to bop your neighbour over the head). If a planet decides on isolationism, no problem. It can just keep spinning and being xenophobic, no skin off anybody's nose. But if the people there decide to join what I like to call the Confederation (because I was born in Tennessee, and I'm silly like that), then they get a package deal like the one I get from the Temporal-Warriner people: free cable plus Subetha access. Phone and Net.

I figure we'll get all the news that gives you a laughing fit, and everything the angels want to tell us about what's going on in the world. Galactovision, including the Song Contest, Goth baseball coverage, the whole enchilada. Language lessons, Shakespeare in Klingon, whatever is going that gets us going. In Goth terms, 'All your media are belong to us.' Suits me down to the ground. I just want a press card.

I also figure that h2g2ers can keep writing entries about their lives on these Totally Harmless planets till the cows come home – or the millennium is finished, whichever comes first. We'll be firstest with the mostest (I told you I was from Tennessee) with all the cool info. And Towel Day will be a galaxy-wide celebration.

I'm sure somebody's going to object. To those who protest that I am as false a prophet as the much-hated Harold Camping, I have this to say:

In the immortal words of Tom Robbins, 'Erleichda.' (He meant, 'Lighten up.') Unlike some science fiction writers we could mention, I don't start religions. I do NOT advocate buying a billboard or an RV, or giving all your worldly goods to the radio preacher. And I did put a warning label on this.

I DO advocate writing more for the h2g2 Post. Not only is it good for your immortal soul, it will keep you from having to read more drivel like this.

As the man at the mall says, 'Have a blessed day.'